Bruce Schneier Joins BT

This is related to something that happened in 2006:  Bruce Schneier, the well-known security guru, sold his company to BT.  He blogged about it here. I wrote a short parody in a comment to that post, which Bruce appears to have enjoyed (“Best blog comment ever”), and which appears to have gotten some blogplay in various places as a consequence. Here it is:

FLUNKY: Sir, that Schneier person called again. He left a detailed

CEO: Again? What does he want this time?

FLUNKY: Well, to begin with, he’d like BT to accept legal liability for
security compromises of our DSL customers’ computers.


FLUNKY: Yes, sir. Externalities.

CEO: Come again?

FLUNKY: He said [mumbles] externalities.

CEO: What’s an externality?

FLUNKY: I thought _you_ knew.

CEO: No idea. I haven’t read this month’s “CIO Trends” magazine though,
maybe it’s in there. Doesn’t matter really, we’re filing this under “Hell
Freezes Over”. Anything else?

FLUNKY: Yes, sir. He wants you to start wearing your company badge to

CEO: Why? Security knows who I am, and I have the key to my private
elevator anyway.

FLUNKY: Yes, er, well…

CEO: What?

FLUNKY: He’s…that is to say…

CEO: He’s after my elevator too, isn’t he?

FLUNKY: Well, he says it’s bad security to create a privileged low-security
channel for a lucky few.

CEO: He isn’t a socialist, is he?

FLUNKY: He’s a very wealthy one if he is.

CEO: HFO file. Is that it?

FLUNKY: [mumbles] password…

CEO: [steely glare] He’s after my password _again_?

FLUNKY: He seems to think that “Cat” is weak.

CEO: I _know_ it’s weak. But two of my secretaries can’t recall how many
fingers they have without counting, and the other one can’t spell. How are
they supposed to remember my password if I make it something complicated,
like my birthday, or Mom’s name?

FLUNKY: [Looks at floor, embarrassed, would obviously rather leave at this
point, sighs again at message] It’s a funny thing, he had a few things to
say about secretaries, birthdays, Moms…

CEO: Not interested. Let’s cut to the chase. What does he want my
password changed to?

FLUNKY: dF3#(~!pk40%L/sD:@

CEO: This is a prank, right?

FLUNKY: That’s this week’s password. He has another one for next week.

CEO: Bring in his golden parachute agreement. I want to look it over.


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